


A Less Conventional Handmaid's Tale

by PearlButterfly



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, BAMF Nymphadora Tonks, Bottom Sirius Black, F/F, F/M, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, Good Peter Pettigrew, Lesbian Nymphadora Tonks, Lucius Malfoy Being an Asshole, M/M, Mpreg, One Big Happy Family, Past Rape/Non-con, Pregnant Sirius Black, References to The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood, Remus and Tonks are best friends, Remus is not a werewolf, Set in the world of The Handmaid's Tale, Sirius and Narcissa aren't related, Tonks is the best, Tonks ships Wolfstar, Top Remus Lupin, and Remus ships Flonks, not between Remus and Sirius, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2019-11-19 11:26:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18135137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PearlButterfly/pseuds/PearlButterfly
Summary: In a world of infertility, just having fertile women wasn't enough, so experiments were done. There weren't many but those who had the gene were taken and Sirius honestly wasn't sure what they had done to them. He only knew that he could now bear children.Sirius Black was terrified of moving to his second household, having failed to provide a child for the first. But something is different here: the Commander and his wife are kind and good people. It's like the family he never had.And Sirius never expected to fall in love with this rare Commander.(Set in the world of The Handmaid's Tale but all the characters of the Lupin household are opposed to the regime. Remus and Tonks are married but only because of laws against homosexuality, hence they fall for Sirius and Fleur)





	1. Prologue

He wasn’t quite sure when it all became so real.

Was it when the number of births per year started declining and more and more people were finding they were sterile? Or was it when they first took over the government and started changing the laws? Or was it when they began dragging many of the lower class young men in for testing to see if they carried that one mysterious gene that could be part of the answer, as well as the young women who were still fertile? 

Maybe it was then. They refused to share the results of the tests, whether positive or negative, but soon he found out when they came for him again. He’d tried to run when he saw the van approaching, but they caught him. Of course they did.

Maybe it was when he’d been forced to have the surgery. He still wasn’t entirely sure what they did or how they did it since science was never his strong point at school and nobody would tell him. Yes, it must have been then: waking up and finding that he was now every bit as fertile as the young women they had started gathering up, and fertile in the same way.

He could now give birth.

It was strange because everything looked as it did before on the outside: he was still as male as before, only now something inside worked differently. Apparently they had made him infertile in getting other people pregnant, but he could get pregnant and safely give birth himself.

Or maybe it was actually when he and the others who had passed this test were sent into the Centres with the fertile women. Handmaids, they were called now. As a group, they were majority female but there were some men now too. They wanted as many bodies as possible to carry babies, not caring whether those bodies were male or female, willing or not. As long as they could birth then they still had their use. He had to admit to himself, this must be better than what was waiting in the Colonies.

But maybe it was when he was assigned to his first household, when they were sure that he had been tamed enough to be privileged with the honour of carrying the child of a Commander. That made it real for sure. The Commander himself was an awful man, as evil as they came, and he revelled in his position as one of the most powerful men in this new country. He held that power over everyone in the household, including his Handmaid. Especially his Handmaid. And the Wife, she hadn’t been too kind either. Most likely she was jealous, having to act as an extra when her husband attempted to get someone else pregnant. Someone who could carry the baby. It hadn’t happened, so he had been moved to a new house instead.

That was undoubtedly when it truly became real. The high feeling when he had been told that he would be escaping this household, these cruel people, and then the low feeling when they told him it was just so the same could be done to him elsewhere.

But here was different.

He was still unsure sometimes, it felt so wrong. No, it felt too right, too normal in this now abnormal world. The Commander and the Wife were kind and good and fair. They treated their Marthas and Guardians as almost equals. Of course, nobody outside of the house knew this, so when he had first arrived they had acted as all other households did, worried that the brainwashing of the Handmaids meant he would give them away, give them all up for their treason.

But he didn’t.

Soon, he had been befriended by both of the Guardians, James and Peter, as well as the two Marthas, Lily and Fleur. They began to trust him enough to slowly reveal how this household really worked, how everyone was treated like a human being, like before this whole nightmare. Then came the greater secrets: the budding relationships between Lily and James, and between Fleur and the Wife, Nymphadora. Only he was told never to call her that; she preferred to go by her own maiden name Tonks.

Nobody else called their masters and mistresses by anything other than a title of respect. This still took a bit of time getting used to.

But, for Sirius, it was never so real as when he began developing these feelings for the Commander, Remus Lupin. He was a rich and powerful man, Sirius knew this due to his new name: Ofremus. But they never called him that, he noticed the Commander flinch every time that name was mentioned because it made this young man of similar age just one of his possessions. The Commander seemed to be avoiding him, leaving any room Sirius entered or actively trying not to glance in his direction whenever that he could not leave. In fact, they were so distant that the dreadful Ceremony in which the Commander would attempt to impregnate the Handmaid did not occur. Tonks shuddered at the thought of aiding a rape and Remus did not see it as a duty because it was so abhorrent.

He wouldn’t hurt a fly, Tonks said. We’ll just let people think it’s happening. Don’t worry, no one will touch you here without your consent.

The feelings had started when Remus started to open up more to Sirius after he expressed his gratitude at not being raped and treated as he had been in his previous household. Remus seemed shocked that Sirius had been treated so badly that he thought he needed to say thank you for not being taken against his will. Remus was still master of the house, but he was kind to everyone who ranked below him. He was the strongest supporter of his Wife’s relationship with their Martha, knowing they had not chosen to marry for love but to protect themselves in this new place.

Sirius had his own feelings of course, thinking they could never be returned, that they were harmless. But then he found that the Commander was gay too (which made sense that he had married Tonks since they shared a strong friendship and could keep each other’s secret) and his feelings suddenly felt heavier, more important.

Yes, that was when it became real.


	2. Chapter 1- Household

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduction to the Lupin household and Sirius' feelings

The Characters

 

Sirius Black (24)- The Handmaid

 

 

Remus Lupin (25)- The Commander

 

 

Nymphadora Tonks (24)- The Wife

 

 

James Potter (25)- The Guardian

 

Peter Pettigrew (25)- The Guardian

 

 

Lily Evans (24)- The Martha

 

 

Fleur Delacour (23)- The Martha

 

 

\------

 

 

Sirius woke up at eight, exactly the same as any other day, when the Sun was still rising. He wished he had something to wake up to but the rooms of the Handmaids were completely stripped bare of everything. So he settled for just watching the sunrise instead.

Downstairs, he could hear people moving about, obviously waking up too. First up would be the Marthas, Lily and Fleur, preparing breakfast for everyone. They enjoyed making the most of the of the quiet before everyone else was up and bothering them.

 Next would be the two Guardians of the household, James and Peter. They would be the ones pestering the Marthas most likely, Peter asking for extra breakfast and James attempting to serenade Lily with any of the old love songs he could remember. Fleur would no doubt give into Peter because she thought he was sweet and Lily would laugh at James and tell him to get lost, though she’d never mean it.

Tonks would be down next, hanging about in the kitchen with the staff of her household. Sirius still couldn’t get over how different she was from all the other Wives he’d encountered. Maybe it was because she was a bit younger, but mostly it was because she wasn’t a true believer of the Gilead state. He found himself more and more thankful for her every day.

They probably wouldn’t see the Commander until breakfast was being served. It wasn’t that he slept in later than everyone else but that he usually kept to himself more in the mornings. Remus was more reserved like that and Sirius was still observing him, trying to figure him out. But it wasn’t always like that. Sometimes Tonks would go into his room without knocking and drag him down the same time as her. Everyone else knocked first, but it wasn’t uncommon to find James and Peter mucking about in his room either.

Sirius always walked right past that door on his way down to breakfast, too nervous to even consider knocking because he didn’t have the same authority as Tonks, neither did he have the confidence of James and Peter. He was sure Remus wouldn’t mind though. He was so different to all the rest of his station.

“Rise and shine,” James greeted as he walked into the kitchen. He was sitting near to where Lily was working, close but not crowding her space because he knew she hated that.

“Morning,” Sirius replied.

“How did you sleep?” Tonks asked him, patting the seat beside her. “I hate those shitty mattresses you all have to sleep on”.

“I slept fine thank you.” He slipped into the offered seat.

“Dream of anyone in particular?”

Sirius blushed and ducked his head. He hadn’t told any of them about the dreams he sometimes had involving the Commander, sweet and tender dreams that meant he avoided looking Remus in the face for days afterwards in case he could sense it.

Thankfully, Tonks was distracted looking at Fleur. “I know who I dreamt about.”

Fleur rolled her eyes good-naturedly, sliding Tonks her food first. The two had been in a relationship for almost as long as Remus and Tonks had been married, ever since the two Marthas were assigned to their household. Of course Remus knew about it and he didn’t mind. He was just happy that his best friend was happy. It made Sirius sadder about the archaic laws against homosexuality that had been reintroduced because it meant that Tonks had to pretend to be straight and marry a man to be able to have her secret relationship.

For Remus it was even worse. Commanders were the most scrutinised because they were expected to set an example to all the other stations, and being gay was seen as a treasonous example. It was the same for Sirius too but the law didn’t really consider him as a male anymore due to his ability to birth children, so it excused him being forced to have sex with these men if it meant procreation.

“Will Remus be down soon?” Lily asked. She was almost as shy as Fleur, so it had taken Remus months of gently correcting her that it was okay to call him by his first name rather than his title. She lived in constant fear, as did they all.

“I think so,” Tonks said as everyone else got their food. “He’s probably not in the best mood right now because he’s got to meet with all those bastards later to discuss some Commander rubbish.”

Everyone nodded knowingly. Remus hated being a Commander but turning down that title would disgrace his entire household and arouse so much suspicion. He was only a Commander through inheritance. His father had been one of the leaders in forming this new society and was a highly respected man, so there had been great mourning when he died. As the only son, Remus automatically became the new Commander Lupin whether he wanted the title or not. This meant he was looked down on by all the other older men since his father had been the one to do all the work and Remus himself had never shown any interest in the idea because he could not outwardly condemn it without being killed. It also meant his household was more modest, made up only of people he himself had selected.

Tonks was first. Her father (also a leading Commander) had been looking to marry her off when they began splitting everyone into groups, wanting to secure a good marriage that wouldn’t disgrace the family name. Remus, a friend since childhood, quickly offered to marry her. It hadn’t been the match her father had hoped for, the disappointing son of a ‘worthier’ man, but Remus was a Commander with a good inheritance, so he could not object. It benefitted them both, helping them hide their homosexuality from the law and remain with their best friend as so many others had been split apart.

Then there were James and Peter, both university friends of Remus’. They didn’t come from quite the same background, so were going to be enlisted as foot soldiers. Remus offered to employ them instead and it was allowed as he was building his own household in his father’s house and two Guardians weren’t of much importance to the government.

Lily and Fleur were employed as the Marthas, though at different times. Lily had been automatically assigned when they realised she was not fertile to be a Handmaid but not affluent enough to be a Wife. She had taken part in the protests at the beginning, so she fit right in with James and Peter. Fleur had been left homeless as she had no family and her money had also be taken as the state enforced laws against women. Remus offered her the position as the second Martha, else she would probably have ended up in the Colonies.

Sirius was the latest edition, having been here about five months. In that time he had opened up quite a lot when he realised that no one here was a true believer and would hurt him. He was almost like his old self, though not as outgoing because he’d seen too much since then and he was only twenty-four. But he was happy here. No beatings, no degradation and no Ceremonies.

“Morning”. Sirius would by lying if he said his heart didn’t skip a beat as Remus entered the room. “Anymore food going?”

“Of course”. Lily slid a plate across to him.

He thanked her and then squashed up next to Peter on the kitchen bench. Sirius definitely did not watch as he awkwardly arranged his long limbs.

James elbowed him in the ribs. “You’re doing that crazy person staring again,” he whispered.

“Shut up,” Sirius mumbled, tearing his eyes away from Remus.

After that, everyone went about their daily duties. Remus left for his meeting with James driving him, Tonks busied herself with the various Wife duties she was expected to fulfil to keep up appearances, mainly tending to the garden, and Fleur, Lily and Peter were tasked with the housework. They found it quite a companionable job together. Peter would escort Tonks if she felt like venturing out at all, but usually she avoided that, trying to avoid the other Wives until it was absolutely necessary. She had quite a short fuse with people like that so didn’t want to risk it.

Sirius had to go out to the market as was a duty of the Handmaids. He got the tokens from Lily (chicken, green vegetables, oranges) and set off, meeting his companion at the corner. She was a Handmaid too as they were expected to go in pairs, mainly to keep an eye on each other and report back should anything treacherous be said. Sirius would never report her, but he got the feeling that she was one of those who had succumbed to the brainwashing and was now a true believer. They didn’t speak much, just got what they needed and then returned to their respective homes.

After that he didn’t have much to do with himself until dinner. Sometimes he would help with any extra housework, or sometimes Tonks would call on him to keep her company in her own duties.

The end of the day was something they all looked forward too. Extra chairs were brought to the table as Remus and Tonks liked everyone to have dinner together. The whole family. This warmed Sirius’ heart more than their other kindnesses, having become familiar with eating scraps alone in his room while the Marthas and Guardians were shut up in the kitchens away from the Commander and his Wife. It didn’t happen every night that they had dinner together because sometimes there were guests, and those were the loneliest nights for Sirius because Remus told him to stay up in his room to avoid the harsh words of any other Commanders.

The table was alive with conversation and it almost felt like before all this happened, sitting with friends and talking like you didn’t have a care in the world. Back when free speech wasn’t a crime that could get you hanged and then hooked up on the Wall as an example.

Everyone cleared out afterwards, leaving only Remus and Sirius. Sirius expected that the Commander had some work to attend to but instead he smiled at Sirius and beckoned to him. “Would you like to revisit our game?”

Sirius smiled. “Of course I would. I’m definitely going to win this time though.”

Remus grinned, something that he needed to do more often. “We’ll see. Come on”.

Sirius had never been in a Commander’s room before Remus. The Ceremonies at his old house always took place in the Wife’s room. There were those awful occasions when the Commander would sneak up to his room in the night, but he tried his best to forget those. The Commander’s space was private, thought to be too good to be inhabited by any other station, especially the Handmaids. But Sirius liked Remus’ room, though he had to keep certain things like the books he had hidden out of sight just in case.

The two of them had found a common interest in playing Scrabble. Sometimes Sirius won, though mostly it was Remus. He wondered maybe if the other man let him win some of those times, it seemed like a very Remus thing to do. Sirius had actually cried the first time Remus had offered to play the game with him, since all form of words were now forbidden to him. Sometimes Remus let him read in those evenings they spent alone together, but Sirius preferred playing Scrabble because it meant he got to sit across from Remus and admire him all evening.

Of course Remus won again, though he didn’t give Sirius too much of a hard time about it. “Maybe next time.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Sirius was just thrilled at the prospect of a next time. He held Remus’ gaze before looking away. “I should probably be getting to bed”.

Remus smiled, looking a little disappointed. “Yes, I should too.”

Sirius walked to the door. “Goodnight then,” he breathed as Remus opened it for him.

Remus lent down and kissed him on the cheek. “Goodnight Sirius”.

Sirius could feel the buzz of the evening all over his skin as he headed back down the corridor. He saw Fleur slipping into Tonks’ room with the woman herself right behind her. Tonks gave Sirius a wink as he went past, closing the door softly.

Collapsing onto his bed after shedding his red garments, Sirius closed his eyes and hoped that he dreamed of the tall, handsome stranger that always turned out to be Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the characters all are in their early-mid twenties in this since they're all different ages in the films and it made sense for them to be similar age here. I love all the fan castings for the young Marauders as well!
> 
> Also I don't think it was specified but Tonks and Sirius are not related in this. He is from the Black family but she is not.


	3. Chapter 2- Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delving a bit deeper into the past of the characters, particularly Sirius' and his posting in the first household before he came to Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mentions of past rape in this chapter. It's brief but just be aware!

The night of the Ceremony had quickly become the night Sirius had always dreaded in his last household.

It always went the same: he was the first to enter the sitting room, kneeling down like the submissive shell they had tried so hard to turn him into, hearing words that he was no longer allowed to read, and then waiting until he was called to enter the bedroom.

Sirius shook his head, trying to forget about that. It was in the past now, thankfully. He had a new master now, one that treated him well. And the mistress of this household was much kinder too because she didn’t hold Sirius responsible for things that he hadn’t chosen, like this life.

Still, they had to stick to some of the traditions. Remus had them all sit in the sitting room on that night as would have happened, except they all sat as equals. Tonks had her own chair of course, as was customary for the Wives, but Sirius, James and Peter squashed together on one sofa like brothers waiting for a bedtime story, and Lily and Fleur sat together on another, like the much better behaved sisters.

Remus read them the Bible passage he was supposed to, wishing for the Wife to gain children by having her husband give them to another woman, but he read it differently, much softer. Nobody in that house would be forcefully impregnated, but they took this time to mourn together the lacking of fertility in the world. Because even if the whole idea of the Ceremony was barbaric, in all their hearts they wished to see a new generation, smaller versions of themselves.

Sirius knew that this was especially hard for Lily. She always apologised to Sirius when hearing those words upset her because she knew that they were the reason he had been forced into his position and rendered nothing more than a sex slave in the eyes of the country. But he didn’t mind because she’d told them all about how much she’d longed to have a child of her own one day, maybe only just one, and because she had been affected she could never have that. James didn’t mind, he was head over heels for Lily, but Sirius knew he imagined their own little family as well sometimes.

He wasn’t so sure about Tonks and Fleur. They seemed happy enough just with each other. The only thing Tonks had ever said about children was that she didn’t understand how those other Wives could happily take children directly from the arms of their real mothers and pretend they were their own. But she was the mother figure that they all needed in this house, and Fleur was so gentle and kind that Sirius knew she’d make a wonderful mother too.

They were all wearing their proper colours as well, but it all looked wrong. The pale blue was much too soft for Tonks’ fiery personality, and her hair looked almost wrong its natural colour even if Sirius had never seen it when it was dyed. The dull green of her dress clashed with the red of Lily’s hair, and though it suited Fleur she seemed too restricted, like it was sucking the life out of her. James and Peter were so bright and friendly but the black of their clothes didn’t reflect that.

Red had never been Sirius’ colour.

He thought Remus looked quite dashing in his suits when he went out in the mornings, all polished and put together. But he preferred it at the end of the day when they were sat together in private and Remus had his jacket slung over the back of the chair and his shirtsleeves rolled up to his elbows, his collar undone and his tie tossed somewhere else. Sirius felt like he got to see the real Remus when he was out of his Commander disguise. After all, Remus was only in his mid-twenties, much too young to be shut away like the others just yet.

“How was work?” Tonks asked Remus as they all sat around having dinner.

“Same as always,” Remus shrugged. “Bunch of hypocritical assholes. Always talking about how their Handmaids don’t get pregnant, like they’re choosing not to carry babies when it’s the men who can’t create them in the first place.”

Tonks shook her head in agreement. “It’s all fucked up.” She turned to look at Sirius who was uncharacteristically quiet. “Sirius, are you not hungry?”

Sirius snapped out of his daze. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I was just thinking.”

“Don’t be.” Tonks put a hand over his. “Everyone understands that this is a difficult day for you.”

Sirius nodded. Luckily, James took over the conversation, telling some story about the mischief he had gotten into with Remus and Peter back in their university halls. From the sound of it, James was the main troublemaker, Peter was his trusty sidekick and Remus was like the mature older brother that tutted at their mischief but was not quite as uptight and well-behaved as everybody thought.

Sirius would have fit in well with them back then. He had been exactly like James in his schooldays and beyond, a troublemaker, loud and unapologetic, free.

“Those were the good old days,” James said. “Before it all went to shit. Blessed day and all that.”

“Man I miss chocolate,” Peter sighed.

“Chocolate still exists Pete,” Lily reminded him.

“Yeah I know, I just miss when we’d be able to go down to the shop at stupid times at night to buy some. And we had to hide it from Remus because otherwise he’d eat it all.”

“Really?” Fleur looked amused.

“I wasn’t that bad,” Remus attempted to defend himself.

James shook his head. “Pete’s not wrong actually. We used to keep our own secret stash under his bed and then eat it together after you’d gone to sleep. Can’t hide things now you’re the boss though.”

“Remus was always the boss,” Peter added.

Remus rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Well someone had to keep you idiots in line and make sure you passed your degrees.”

A silence fell over the table because they had all been to university and graduated with degrees, yet they counted for nothing now. Education meant nothing, all that was important was being fertile and doing what you were told.

It sucked.

Once everything had been cleared away after dinner, everyone began to turn in for the evening. Tonks and Fleur slipped away together like they usually did. Sirius was pretty sure he could guess exactly what they got up to on their “cosy nights in”. Lily had promised to play cards with Peter and James was trailing them. He wouldn’t participate in the game, he’d just stare at Lily like it was the first time he’d ever looked at her.

Sirius followed Remus up the stairs and into his rooms like clockwork. It would have been domestic if they weren’t all wearing their designated colours and drawing all the curtains for fear of anyone seeing anything. They knew by now that it was not above this government to execute an entire household over the slip up of one.

Collapsing into the chair opposite Remus, Sirius tugged his hair out of its restraints. It had always been fairly long, just reaching his shoulders, but now because the Handmaids were forbidden from cutting their hair, it was longer, curling down his back like a dark wave.

“I like your hair loose like that,” Remus commented. Sirius even thought he might be blushing.

“I’m not sure about the length,” Sirius replied, running his fingers through it. “Does it suit me?”

“It does. I like it anyway.”

“Thanks. I think maybe I look more mysterious now.”

Remus’ lips quirked in a smile. “I was thinking maybe I could teach you to play chess tonight. Unless you’d rather do something else?”

Sirius decided better than to voice the things he’d rather be doing with Remus. “Chess sounds good. I’ll be hopeless though.”

“Don’t say that before you’ve even tried.”

“I bet you were the kind of guy who did this all the time, you know, before.”

There it was again: that nostalgic, barely there smile that Sirius so badly wanted to kiss. “I used to play a bit, yeah. Could never convince James or Peter to learn, they wouldn’t sit still and listen for long enough.”

Sirius was usually like that as well but he could sit and listen to Remus all day. He loved that Remus always made it clear that there was a choice though. He didn’t have to sit or listen or do anything he didn’t want to do. Sirius imagined trying that with his previous Commander and shuddered with a fear that he didn’t think would ever leave him. He had seen too much in that house.

This particular night always brought it back more than others. Lying back on the bed, staring at the ceiling and trying to detach himself from what was happening. But he never quite could, not with her hands gripping his wrists far too tight than was necessary, long nails piercing his skin, making him aware of how much she resented him being there. And especially not with that man above him, fucking harder and harder into him. Lust was forbidden, so he usually didn’t have to worry about being touched any more than that during the Ceremony. No, the rest happened on those frequent nights that the Commander would sneak into Sirius’ room and violate him further, more violently, doing things he could never do with his Wife, or in front of his wife. But she knew, Sirius knew that she knew.

“Are you alright?” Remus had noticed his faraway eyes. He looked concerned.

“Sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just that Tonks was right earlier, this night is difficult for me. Just because of, you know, my last house.”

Remus furrowed his brow, taking one of Sirius’ hands in both of his. “No, I’m sorry. I wish I had more power here. I wish I could wring that bastard’s neck for all the things he did to you. I wish I could take you out of here. I wish, well, a lot of things.”

Sirius placed his free hand over Remus’. “I do too. But you’re doing so much for me already, you and Tonks. Just by treating me like a human being. I can’t thank you enough.”

They held their gazes until Remus finally looked away first. “Now, shall we see about that game?”

“Yes. Let’s see how good a teacher you are.”

“I would have been a teacher, I think,” Remus commented. “If this-“ he gestured about to try and define his Commander status “-hadn’t happened.”

“What would you have taught?”

“English literature.”

That hadn’t really been Sirius’ favourite lesson at school but he knew that he’d sit through hours of it if Remus was the one teaching. And then maybe Remus could teach him in more depth privately after school, with the curtains drawn and the lights dimmed.

Sirius really needed to stop daydreaming about his handsome Commander if he wanted to have a chance at beating Remus at chess.

Looking back up at Remus, he knew that was impossible. Probably the chess, definitely the daydreaming.


	4. Chapter 3- Courtship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tiny peek into the previous lives of James and Sirius, and Remus gives Sirius some bad news.

“Did you ever play hockey? You know, in the time before?”

Sirius looked up at James, instinctively looking around even though they were the only ones in the living room. “Yeah, I was usually a striker.”

James’ smile was nostalgic. “I was too. Ended up being promoted to the Captain of our team. They were a handful but I think that was part of the charm. I wonder where they all are now.”

Sirius smiled too, though rather sadly as he thought of his own teammates, the triumph in their victories, the solidarity in their losses. “Did Remus and Peter ever play?”

“No,” James answered, shaking his head. “But Peter was our biggest cheerleader so he loved coming to the games. He was basically one of the team as well, the teammate who didn’t actually play in any matches. Remus has never been into sport since his health wasn’t always the best back then. He’d sit next to Peter and try to discreetly read his book, thinking we didn’t notice.”

That reminded Sirius of Remus’ confession about wanting to teach English Literature. He wondered how many other people knew that. Obviously James and Peter and Tonks, being the three closest friends he had.

But Remus himself was like a book to Sirius: one he had found intimidating because it was so complex that he didn’t want to try since he could never understand what it meant, but he was lured in by the beauty of the cover and found that he was hanging on every word that was revealed as he turned the pages. Whenever he put the back down he was itching to pick it back up and read the next chapter but he knew he had to wait, that he didn’t want the story to end too quickly.

The door slammed open and Peter practically tumbled through it, pausing to straighten out his jacket and shake his hair back into place. Then he nodded at James before offering Sirius a mischievous smile.

“These are for you,” Peter told him, holding out the small bouquet of tulips, roses and orchids, all different colours.

“You’re giving me flowers, Pete?” Sirius asked. “Never knew you cared.”

Peter rolled his eyes, proffering the flowers again. “Tonks wanted me to give them to you. She said that Remus asked her if she could grow these especially to give to you.”

“Really?” Sirius took them. They were definitely some of the most beautiful flowers in Tonks’ garden, and Remus had requested them especially for him. “Why didn’t he give them to me himself?”

“Remus has always been shy,” James explained, “so I think this is his way of throwing the ball into your court.”

“Yeah, he likes you,” Peter added, though by now this was pretty obvious to all three of them.

“Well, I like him too.” Sirius hoped he wasn’t blushing, not in front of the others.

James laughed and pinched his cheek. “Someone’s embarrassed then? Don’t be, I think you’d both be a good match. Hey Pete, do you think Tonks would let me grow some flowers for Lily too?”

Peter gave James a nudge in the direction of the door. “Go and ask her, I’m sure she’ll say yes. Plus I love it when we mock you together so this should be good.”

“You guys mock me? How dare you!”

Sirius laughed with Peter, staying put in the kitchen as the other two walked outside. He couldn’t stop looking at the flowers. He knew this was a romantic gesture. Nobody had ever given him flowers before though, none of his boyfriends at university for sure.

And it was sweet that Remus was so shy that he’d had Tonks and Peter sort the flowers out for him. Was Sirius really that intimidating? He’d always been a loud presence, one that drew all the eyes in the room to him, but times had changed. Remus was the most powerful person living in that house, though Sirius knew perhaps better than any of the others how much he hated that power and all it stood for.

The flowers were a glimpse at who Remus really was, underneath everything. A real romantic, a gentleman, a young man who was made nervous by feelings of love?

Was that what this was? Love?

Sirius couldn’t deny his attraction to Remus. He may not have been the socially constructed idea of good-looking but he was handsome in a more old-fashioned way, a way that meant you really had to look at him, study his every interesting feature. And his heart was gripped by an overwhelming warmth at Remus’ charity: the way he treated his friends, the way he treated Sirius, his ridiculing of the other Commanders, allowing them all opportunities to read what little words they had left and play cards and chess just like the time before.

Maybe Sirius was in love after all. Hopelessly falling for the one man that he should hate above all others, had they both abided by society. But Sirius had never been one for rules. Especially rules that didn’t benefit him. Because these new rules were dangerous, and they meant that both himself and Remus would be killed for so much as brushing hands.

Life wasn’t fair.

It was much later on that Sirius found Remus alone in the kitchen, boiling the kettle for some tea. He knocked lightly on the door to get his attention as he entered.

“I was just heading up to bed.”

Remus nodded. “I think everyone else has already gone. Just fancied some tea before I turn in too.”

Sirius smiled warmly. “Any excuse for tea. Thank you, by the way, for the flowers.”

“Ah, I’m glad you like them.” He scratched the back of his head like a nervous schoolboy. “They reminded me of you.”

“Really? How?”

“They’re, uh, lovely. And you’re lovely as well. I mean, I think so, and…”

Sirius placed a hand over Remus’, snapping him out of his rambling. “Thank you.” The kettle finished boiling, making them both flinch. “I’ll have some tea as well, seeing as you’re making it.”

Remus rolled his eyes with a grin. “Seems I’ve got to do everything around here.”

“Well you’re in charge, what can I say? I’m just following the rules.”

The tea was poured and they both sat down at the kitchen island, a comfortable silence descending until Remus broke it. “Actually, I’m glad you’re here because there’s something I need to tell you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Sirius patted Remus’ shoulder. “Don’t look so serious, it can’t be that bad. Well, not any worse than usual.”

The tightness between Remus’ eyebrows did not relax. “It’s about Malfoy.”

If there was one thing that could turn Sirius’ blood to ice, it was that. Just the mention of that name had a torrent of memories swirling around in Sirius’ head, threatening to drown him from the inside out. His hands clenched around the mug he was holding, the burning heat suddenly no more than a tickle. “What about him?”

“He’s coming here. Tomorrow.”

Sirius forced himself to look Remus in the eyes. “Why?”

“It’s just routine, same as when other Commanders come over wanting to talk business. I’m sorry, if I’d known before today I’d have told you sooner. I don’t want this to happen but there’s not a lot I can do. One thing I’ve learned is you don’t say no here.”

“I know, it’s not your fault. I’ll just try to stay out of the way. Just…”

Remus leaned in closer. “Just what?”

“Just be careful with him. I know what he’s like. He’s manipulative and he has a way of speaking to you that just makes you do exactly what he says. Plus he’s got a very punchable face and I don’t want you to get into trouble.”

“I’ll be imagining doing just that the whole time,” Remus promised, laughing. “But seriously, there won’t be trouble. We’ve just all got to play our part.”

Sirius had wondered far too often what parts they’d both play in a different life. It was all he could do to content himself in this life where they were two players in the same show like puppets on strings, forced to recite their lines convincingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is an AU with no magic, hockey is James and Sirius’ sport instead of Quidditch.


	5. Chapter 4- Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Malfoys visit, which cannot be good for anyone.

Remus had never been a good actor, so he was sure his tight smile looked as painfully fake as it felt when he stood at his wife’s side, watching Lily let their visitors in. He nodded at her and she took the hint to scurry away. Remus wished he could join her.

Tonks slipped her hand into his, giving it a quick squeeze. “I know what you’re thinking,” she whispered. “I’m thinking it too. But you’ve got to behave.”

Remus squeezed her hand back. “Don’t worry, it’ll all be fine.” He remembered assuring Sirius of the same thing last night. Maybe if he said it enough it would come true. These visits were the worst because one slip up would send them all to the executioner.

“Ah, Lupin,” Lucius Malfoy greeted curtly, shaking Remus’ hand. Remus could feel the strength running through the other man, dangerous strength. “Blessed day.”

“Malfoy,” he replied, adding belatedly, “blessed day.”

Tonks looked warily between the two men before turning to Malfoy’s wife. “Narcissa, why don’t we go into the sitting room while the men talk business?”

“Certainly Nymphadora,” Narcissa responded, making Tonks flinch. Luckily only Remus noticed it, knowing Tonks hated her first name with a passion. “I’m sure you’ve perfected the art of conversation by now.”

Tonks sent a discrete eye roll to Remus before the women headed to their domain, the sitting room, and Remus indicated for Malfoy to follow him into the kitchen.

He’d encountered Malfoy a handful of times when he was a bit younger. The man had been a close friend of his father’s, though a tad bit younger. Age had no bearing on his ideas though, and those led to power. He was one of the most important men around now and he certainly looked the part. His long blonde hair gave him an air of mystery, like it was something he was hiding behind, masking his true self. He dressed in the all black of the Commanders but it looked darker on him, menacing, like an omen of death and destruction. The constant tapping of his cane on the ground as he walked unnerved Remus. He didn’t think Malfoy needed any assistance walking; the cane seemed to be more an accessory, completing his enigmatic look. It also reminded Remus that the man had a weapon in his hand, knowing from Sirius that he and other members of the Malfoy household had been struck by it a few times.

“I’m sure you’ve heard about the attempted uprising,” Malfoy said, getting straight to business as he and Remus stood on either side of the kitchen island.

Remus nodded. “Yes.” There had been an emergency meeting called, all these Commanders yelling over each other, condemning entire groups of people. It had been an attempted attack on a training centre by a small group of men involved in the resistance group. Unfortunately for them, they’d been caught before they could carry out the attack and had been sentenced to torture and then execution.

Malfoy nodded grimly. “So you’ll know we need everyone committed, no exceptions?”

“Of course.”

Malfoy looked about the kitchen, his face giving nothing away. “Most of the others think you’ve stepped nicely into your father’s shoes, but know you’ve still got a long way to go before you reach him.”

Remus had no desire to be anything like his father; he’d always been told he looked and acted just like his mother and it had pleased him to no end. “You don’t have to be concerned about me or anyone else living in this house. We want to succeed just as much as you do.”

“Speaking of your house, I haven’t yet asked how your Handmaid has settled in. He’s your first, isn’t that right?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

The tapping of Malfoy’s cane as he stepped closer to the island echoed around inside Remus’ head. “How does he perform during the Ceremony? This is his second posting.”

“I have no complaints about him.” Remus levelled his gaze against the other man’s, refusing to look away first.

“I wish you all the best with conception then. He didn’t conceive for me.”

Remus restrained himself from telling Malfoy that this was likely his own infertility since he knew Sirius could have children. “What is meant to be will be.”

Malfoy gave him a flash of a tight smile. “Now, where are those documents I am to look over for you?”

“Ah, they’re upstairs. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll go and fetch them.”

Malfoy inclined his head and Remus was out of the door in the blink of an eye, taking a breath before heading upstairs. He was glad to have a few minutes out of that room, to be by himself. He knew exactly where the papers were but surely Malfoy couldn’t begrudge him a moment of forgetfulness. Slipping into his office chair, Remus pulled at his collar. He’d always hated these tight, restrictive suits and what they stood for.

Downstairs, Sirius stepped inside and shrugged off his coat, hanging it up by the front door. He opened the door to the kitchen, intending to go upstairs to his room, stopping short when he went inside and saw who was waiting there.

Malfoy noticed him too and the smile on his face reminded Sirius of a shark, a predator stalking its prey. “Well, we were just talking about you.”

Sirius attempted to walk through the kitchen with his head down, ignoring his previous Commander and offering no reply, but Malfoy stepped in the way of the door, blocking his path.

“It’s Ofremus now, isn’t it? You’ll forgive me for thinking it doesn’t suit you.”

“There’s a lot of things I could forgive you for,” Sirius mumbled, trying to restrain himself from lashing out. But the walls seemed to be getting closer, boxing him in with Lucius Malfoy, his one nightmare.

A hand reached out and brushed his cheek softly, but Sirius jerked away, unable to lean into the gentle touch like he did with Remus. “You’re still looking as lovely as before. He must be treating you right, hm? Keeping you warm at night, teaching you your place. It’s a shame really, I turned you into the perfect little thrall and now that boy gets to reap the rewards.”

“Not everyone’s like you.” Sirius would love to bite back with more than just words but he knew better. Malfoy referring to Remus as a boy was a display of power. Remus was the Commander of this household but Malfoy was the most dominant presence in it.

The hand that had brushed his cheek now formed a firmer grip around his chin, forcing him to meet the other man’s eyes. “Be thankful then because if you spoke to me in that manner I wouldn’t hesitate to have you whipped. Don’t have thoughts above your station, all you’re good for now is to be fucked, bred and then thrown into another man’s bed.”

Sirius almost heard angels when the door opened. Unfortunately, it wasn’t Remus (or perhaps fortunately because Sirius knew the other Commander could only restrain himself to a certain point). It was Lily, carrying an empty tray after having seen to the two women in the living room.

Lucius of course wasn’t intimidated by the presence of a Martha, but he stepped away from Sirius, knowing that he wasn’t supposed to lay a finger on the Handmaid of another Commander.

“Forgive me,” he said to Lily, “Ofremus and I were just getting acquainted again. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other.”

Sirius took the opportunity to slip past his former Commander and dart up the stairs, closing the door to his room and sliding down the wall in the wardrobe, burying his face in his knees.

The sound of footsteps outside alarmed him, but the voice that called out was soft with a slight accent. “Sirius?”

“I’m in here Fleur,” Sirius replied, wiping the tears that had begun to fall without his knowing it.

The door opened and Fleur slipped inside, Lily following after her. “Remus came back down to occupy Malfoy,” the latter informed him. “I didn’t tell him what happened, we know there can’t be any trouble. This is their way of spying on Remus, observing him.”

“I know.” Sirius sighed, trying not to start crying again when Fleur leaned into him, her slight weight a comfort, anchoring him in place. “I thought I’d be able to face him.”

“C’est un fils de pute!” Fleur exclaimed. Neither Lily nor Sirius spoke French but they caught her general meaning perfectly.

Downstairs, things were equally tense.

“You do not attend the gatherings with the other Wives very often,” Narcissa commented, looking around the room with an air of disdain.

“You’ll have to forgive me,” Tonks replied, “tea and knitting have never been particular interests of mine. I’m worried that I’m not accomplished enough yet to properly contribute.” She knew how differently those words could come out if she wasn’t actively straightening out her usually-sarcastic tone.

“If you will accept my advice,” Narcissa began, making it clear she was going to give the advice anyway, “you’d do well to learn and try to fit in. Some of the others, well, they like to gossip. I would hate to see you become a victim of that. You wouldn’t want that reflecting badly on your husband either, would you?”

Tonks recognised a threat when she heard one, no matter how hard the other woman tried to dress it up as a warning, a caution from one friend to another. These people were not her friends, nor were they Remus’. But Narcissa was right, Tonks didn’t want to put him in potential danger just because she’d always been stubborn and strong and passionate about doing what was right.

“I’ll do my best, but we all embrace this life in different ways,” Tonks nodded, trying to resist the urge to gouge the older woman’s eyeballs out. She’d been the one telling Remus to behave himself, after all.

“Indeed,” Narcissa conceded. “It just strikes me as a little odd that your household isn’t quite as traditional as it could be, Nymphadora, that’s all.”

“Well, we’re still young, still learning. Hopefully this visit will teach us a lot though.” It would teach her exactly what not to do, though she wouldn’t be letting either of the Malfoys know that.

There was a knock at the door then, an angel’s serenade for Tonks. “Come in.”

Remus poked his head around the door. “We’ve concluded business and I believe Commander Malfoy has other visits he must attend to later today. It would be impolite of us to keep him waiting.”

Tonks nodded. “Yes, indeed it would.” She stood up, the other Wife following behind her. “Thank you for your advice, Narcissa, I will take it on board.”

“My pleasure.” The woman swept her blue coat over her shoulders, joining her husband who was stood in the hallway. “I hope to see you at the gathering next week?”

“Of course,” Tonks replied.

She almost flinched when Commander Malfoy extended his hand to Remus, completely ignoring her presence. “And I will see you shortly for business, Commander Lupin.”

“Yes, you will.” Remus shook his hand again, feeling like his own grip had got stronger since the start of the visit.

The two watched their visitors step out of the door, Peter closing it behind them and James giving an over-exaggerated middle finger. Remus excused both of them, allowing them to relax after being on post all day. They nudged both him and Tonks on their way out of the back door, intending to sit for a while in the garden.

“Thank God that’s over,” Tonks mumbled, leaning against Remus.

He wrapped his arm around her. “I think this calls for something a bit stronger than tea.”

Tonks grinned up at him. “Already way ahead of you, I know where you keep the whiskey. I’ll be right back.”

Remus watched her walk up the stairs. Fleur came down a few moments later, looking concerned. “Fleur? What’s wrong?”

“Sirius saw Malfoy earlier,” she told him.

Remus’ heart dropped. “What? Did he do anything? Or try anything?”

“Nothing like that. But Sirius was pretty upset when he was talking to me and Lily. I think he’d like to see you.”

Remus nodded, patting Fleur’s shoulder. “Alright, I’ll go up now. Tonks will be back in a minute so have a drink with her for me, eh?”

Ducking her head shyly, Fleur nodded. Remus gave her a smile and then took the stairs two at a time, heading towards Sirius’ room. He was about to fling the door open but then figured Sirius had probably had enough of other men just jumping in on him. Instead, he knocked softly. “It’s me. Can I come in?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Remus pushed the door open, approaching Sirius who was sitting on the bed. “Fleur told me about earlier, when I went out of the room. Sirius, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t expecting you to be back then. I didn’t mean to leave you alone with him.”

“It’s okay,” Sirius told him, attempting a smile. “It’s not your fault. I don’t even know why I got so upset, it’s not like he can hurt me now. Not now I’m here, with you.”

“It’s understandable to feel that way,” Remus assured as he sat down too, “especially seeing him again for the first time.”

“I just…” Sirius sighed, sounding frustrated with himself. “I just thought that I’d have grown out of the power he had over me. But one word and I felt like I was ready to drop to my knees in front of him and start begging again. It just makes me feel like I’m broken.”

“You’re not broken Sirius, you’re-“ Remus bit his lip.

Sirius turned to look at him. “I’m what?”

“You’re perfect.”

Reaching out, Sirius laced his fingers through Remus’, a spark like a shock of electricity shooting up his arm. “You’re not so bad yourself, you know.”

Remus laughed, leaning his head on top of Sirius’, imagining the two of them alone together in some private corner in the world. It was a lovely thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this on a French insults website- C'est un fils de pute= He’s a son of a bitch  
> (Hope that’s written correctly!) Think it describes Malfoy in this fic perfectly.


	6. Chapter 5- Fondness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius have dinner together.

“I think we should do something nice for them.”

James turned to look at Lily. “What?”

“For Remus and Sirius,” she clarified. “You know, help them cheer up after yesterday.” She was sitting at the table with the others, looking thoughtful.

“What sort of thing?” Peter asked.

“Something romantic.”

“Oh, a romantic dinner!” Fleur looked delighted at the idea. She was the biggest romantic of them all, of course.

“There’s nothing romantic about sitting across the dinner table from Pete while he shoves whole potatoes and pieces of beef in his mouth at once,” James said.

“Hey, you’re not exactly delicate either,” Peter huffed, sticking his tongue out at James.

“Well for it to be romantic it would have to be just them,” Lily nodded in agreement.

“Maybe in Remus’ room upstairs,” Fleur continued, “just the two of them, alone together, that could lead to…”

“Alright, enough of that,” James interrupted. “I don’t need the image of Remus and Sirius getting it on stuck in my head all night.”

“What’s this about Remus and Sirius getting it on?” Tonks walked into the kitchen. “About time, if you ask me.”

“Not yet, mon amour,” Fleur said as Tonks sat down next to her. “Lily came up with the idea of doing something romantic for them. And I was just saying before I was so rudely interrupted…” She glared at James.

“Don’t do that,” James said, looking away from Fleur’s intense gaze. “Lily, she’s doing it again.”

Lily rolled her eyes at him. “Anyway, I think it’s a perfect idea. What time does Remus get in?”

“Around six, if they don’t keep him longer,” Tonks replied. “I’ll go up and see Sirius, he’s been feeling down since yesterday.”

“What do you need us to do?” Peter asked after Tonks had left the room and Lily and Fleur were chatting together, their backs to the two men.

“You can stop Remus having a panic attack when he comes back and finds out he’s got a date,” Lily told him.

“Yes m’lady,” James responded, dodging when she swatted at him.

Upstairs, Tonks knocked at Sirius’ door. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Hey, thought I’d come see how you are?”

“I’m fine,” he assured her. “Honestly, you don’t have to tiptoe around me. Just wish I could punch Malfoy in the face without fearing for my life.”

Tonks laughed. “Don’t we all. Anyway, I come with news. Make yourself look presentable, you’ve got a date.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Oh really? I don’t remember making any plans.”

“Well, it’s a good thing I’m in charge of your schedule then. Actually it was Lily and Fleur’s idea. They want to do something to cheer you and Remus up, so a romantic dinner is about as far as we can stretch.”

“A romantic dinner?” Sirius didn’t mean to sound so skeptical but after living in this house for a good few months he didn’t think anyone could blame him. Romantic wasn’t exactly the word one would use to describe it.

“Hey Lily and Fleur are in charge of it so I’m sure it will be totally romantic. Don’t worry, we’ll keep James and Peter as far away as humanly possible.”

“That gives me a little bit more faith then. No, I’m grateful. You didn’t have to but thank you. I’ll have to brush up on my dinner conversation. Oh god, Remus has probably perfected the art of intelligent conversation by now, if he starts getting all poetical I don’t think I’ll be able to keep up.”

Tonks nudged his shoulder with her own. “Honestly, I think he’ll be too shy to do more than just stare at you.”

Sirius rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Well, I don’t exactly look my best right now.”

“And that’s where I come in.” Her mischievous smile was both promising and nerve-wracking.

*****

Remus was incredibly thankful to be able to get home early. James had come to pick him up, as per usual, and the two had engaged in casual conversation during the drive back. He had noticed his friend shooting a few sideways glances at him. It made him feel slightly self-conscious. Was it his hair? It was probably his hair. Sneaking a few looks at himself in the car’s mirror he attempted to pat down the curls which had begun to grow more, fluffing upwards and outwards as if they were feeding off of the nervous energy in his brain.

When they stepped into the house, Peter came shooting out of a room down the hallway, reaching them before the front door was even fully closed. Then he had to pause, bending over with his hands on his knees, getting his breath back. Remus was just thankful that Peter hadn’t been deployed as a soldier because he definitely wouldn’t have been suited to the working conditions.

“You’re home!” Peter straightened up, smoothing down his shirt.

“Yes…” Remus looked between his friends, certain that they were both thinking something that he wasn’t aware of. Was his hair really that bad? “Okay, tell me what’s going on.”

They both blinked owlishly at him, Peter looking to James so that he’d take the lead. “Oh, nothing,” the latter replied, putting his hands in his pockets. “Pete’s just glad you’re back.”

“I don’t usually get the pleasure of a welcome on the doorstep.” His brain turned to the second most likely option. “What have you done?”

“What do you mean?” Peter had the gall to look offended.

“Something’s obviously happened. Did you break something? Piss someone off? Please say you didn’t, it’s so much work to cover both your arses.”

“You always assume the worst of us,” James sighed, draping his arm over Remus’ shoulders. “Okay, something is going on, but you’ll like, I swear.”

“I’ve never liked your surprises.”

“You’ll like this one because it comes with Sirius.”

He perked up at that. “What about Sirius?”

“Dinner,” Peter told him.

“Dinner? I always have dinner with Sirius though, we all do.”

“You can tell it’s been a while since you’ve got laid.” James patted his cheek. “Dinner with just Sirius. Lily and Fleur are just finishing up in your room upstairs. They’re into all that romantic stuff. Personally, I think you guys should just go upstairs and give into the sexual tension.”

“That’ll be why you’re not getting further than a cuddle with Lily,” Peter informed him.

“Hey, tonight isn’t about my romantic woes,” James shot back, “it’s about making Remus here face up to his feelings, finally.”

“Oh god, I can’t have dinner with Sirius. What will we talk about?”

“Whatever you talk about on all those cosy evenings you spend alone upstairs together.”

“But we read or play Scrabble or chess usually.”

“Better tell Sirius to watch out, his boyfriend’s a player.”

Remus glared at James. “What I’m trying to say is I’m not the most social person, you guys know that.”

Lily poked her head around the door. “Oh good, you’re home. Just in time. Come on up.”

Glancing once more at his friends, Remus followed Lily upstairs, undoing his collar because he didn’t think turning up to a dinner date in a nervous sweat was very polite.

Inside the room, he could see that James was right: the girls _were_ good at all that romantic stuff. They’d tidied up some of the mess he’d left lying about, even tucking in the bedsheets. The table was laid for dinner, with dustings of rose petals taken from the garden sprinkled around. There were candles on the table and the mantlepiece and the windowsill, and the fire had been lit as well so the entire room was cosy and comfortable.

“Wow, it looks…” Remus looked around the room again as he hung his coat up on the back of the door. “Erm, thank you.”

“It’s no problem,” Lily smiled.

Fleur clapped her hands. “Sirius will be down in a moment. Oh, I do love a good romance!”

That reminded Remus again that this was, in fact, a date. But he didn’t have to be nervous, did he? He’d suggested his interest many a time to Sirius and if the other man had agreed to having a romantic dinner alone with him then he must have had similar feelings. Luckily, the door opened before he could start overthinking again and convince himself that he’d got it all wrong.

Lily and Fleur stepped out of the room and closed the door behind them after Sirius entered. He smiled at Remus, looking almost shy, and took the seat on the other side of the table. Remus hurried to sit down opposite him and managed to trip over the legs of the chair. If it wasn’t for his quick reactions he would have ended up sprawled out on the floor. Cheeks red, he righted himself and sat down, paranoid that his shirt was creased.

Sirius laughed at him. “I didn’t think it’d be too different you know. I mean, we’ve spent time alone together before. I guess it’s just different now because everyone else is invested in it too.”

“I don’t want you to think that I’m not,” Remus said. “Invested, I mean. I really do like you, I’ve just always been pretty socially awkward.”

“Well then that’s good, because I really like you too.”

Over the course of the dinner, Remus felt like he was getting a glimpse into Sirius’ past. He could picture exactly what he must have been like a few years ago, before the world felt like it got turned upside down. He must have been confident, though not overly so, and perhaps a little wild. He knew that Sirius would happily have embraced the things Remus had always shunned because of his introverted nature. He could imagine Sirius smoking and drinking at parties, drawing the eyes of the room to himself from the second he stepped through the door, flirting with both men and women. Remus could never have approached him if they’d met back then.

“I have to ask,” Sirius began, looking up.

“Hmm?” Remus chewed his food, making a ‘go ahead’ gesture with his hand.

“Have you ever done this before? The whole romantic dinner thing?”

“Well, not quite. I made dinner before for a girl I liked, back when I was at university. She was sweet and she said it was all good even though I didn’t do the best job of it. We’d been out a few times together before that, kissed as well, but it didn’t really turn into anything.”

“Why not?”

“She said she didn’t think we were really compatible. That was kind, I guess. I imagine it had something to do with my awkward fumbling all the time.”

“Nothing wrong with that. It’s quite sweet.”

“That was just before I properly realised that I was gay as well, so I guess it's a good thing nothing came of it. I think people prefer it when you know what you want anyway.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t think you’d have that problem. You’re easily the smartest person in this house, along with Lily.”

“I’m not very self-reliant. Maybe it’s because my mother took care of me so much when I was younger because I was always ill. I could tell dad was disappointed when he figured I’d be the one to take over his position when he died.” He frowned sadly and Sirius wanted to wipe that look right off his lovely face.

“Why were you ill all the time?”

Remus shrugged. “Just had a weak immune system. I think there were points when I was in hospital and they thought I was going to die, it just never happened.”

Sirius thought for a moment. “What was your mother’s name?”

“Hope.”

“Hope,” Sirius repeated. “That’s pretty. We could all use some hope right now, I think.”

“Yeah, we really could.”

Sirius wasn’t quite sure when he’d ended up on the other side of the table, or when he’d sat down on Remus’ lap, or when they’d started kissing. But he was sure that he didn’t want to stop. Remus’ lips were as soft as they looked, though a bit colder than he’d been expecting. It sent a chill through him, making him inch impossibly closer to Remus’ warm body. His hands clenched in the other man’s shirt, itching to unbutton it and give into their urges. Remus pulled back, hands gently grasping Sirius’ wrists.

“You don’t want to?” Sirius asked, frowning, worried he’d completely misread the situation.

“No, I do, I do Sirius,” Remus reassured him.

“Then what’s wrong?”

“You’ve been through a lot, I know. I don’t want you to think I’m taking advantage of you.”

“So you’re a gentleman then? Don’t worry, I know you’re not like that Remus.”

“Still, I want to do this properly. I mean, if that’s what you want too, of course?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Well I wouldn’t be kissing you if I didn’t want to be with you, would I?”

“Just had to be sure.” Remus leaned in and kissed Sirius once more.

Later, when the other man walked him back to his room, Sirius couldn’t help but think that Remus wouldn’t be taking advantage at all, because he wanted it just as much, maybe even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They'll definitely get it on next chapter!


	7. Chapter 6- Passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius remembers Lucius Malfoy and recognises how different it is with Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter starts with a flashback which includes rape. Be aware!

_Sirius closed his eyes, pulling the scratchy sheets up over his shoulders. The bed wasn’t actually as uncomfortable as it could have been. He knew that his status made him no more than a slave, but his body was valued above all else, so at least some comfort was afforded._

_But he hated that bed more than the bed used for the Ceremony. Because at least in the latter he knew what would happen. In his own bed, where he was supposed to be safe, he never knew when the attacks would come._

_The squeak of the door was a telltale sign. Then came the tapping of the cane on the floor, like the soft beating of a drum while he walked to the gallows. It got louder until it came to a stop, when the warm presence of a man dressed all in black paused in front of him, eyes roving over his pliant form. Try as he did to fool him, Sirius knew that the other man was aware he was still awake._

_“Why don’t you ever look at me?”_

_He opened his eyes, sitting up. “Go to Hell, Malfoy.”_

_The man’s lips quirked, though there was no mirth in his face. “Such a pity, all that anger and potential gone to waste. Now you’re nothing but a whore for breeding.”_

_“Not that you’ve been very successful in breeding me,” Sirius shot back. He had been in the Malfoy household for five months and he had not yet fallen pregnant. He knew that he was able to carry a child, so he wasn’t at fault._

_Malfoy’s hand shot towards him, fast as lightning, seizing him by the throat and squeezing in warning. “Be careful what you say, else you may regret it. I won’t be the one put to death should you fail to prove yourself fruitful.”_

_Sirius gave a humourless smile. “But then you’d have to give me up to another household if I don’t conceive in the next seven months. Some other man breeding me, and all the rest knowing your failure.”_

_Malfoy’s hand squeezed tighter and Sirius gripped his wrist uselessly. “One word from me and you’d be on the Wall.”_

_“Anything would be… better than this,” Sirius hissed out, choking for breath between his words._

_“Then perhaps I’ll help you change your mind. You could end up serving less merciful men than me, men who would see you whipped for your wilfulness.”_

_The fingers clenched around his neck slid back, tangling harshly through his hair, pushing him down onto his front. Sirius remembered the one time he’d lashed out at Malfoy, the back of his hand catching the man across the face the first time he’d snuck into his room. He’d been frozen stiff when he realised what he’d done. Nobody ever attacked a Commander, especially not a Handmaid. They were at the two opposite ends of the spectrum of power: Commanders at the top and Handmaids at the bottom._

_Sirius had been sure that that would be it for him, though at least he’d be executed with some dignity and power returned to him. But Malfoy had surprised him. Apparently he got some sick thrill from seeing those he oppressed attempt to fight back against him, knowing that either way he won. And he always got what he wanted because Sirius had no choice. He’d thought he would prefer to die but just watching the executions left him sick with fear, so after that his body just went slack, disassociating from what was happening._

_That night was no different to any other: laying on his front, restrained with a hand on the neck like the punishing of a misbehaving dog, waiting until he felt the other man release inside him. After that, he’d feel Malfoy’s weight sag on top of him, then the man would redress himself and leave._

_Sirius would go into the bathroom to clean up but could never bring himself to look in the mirror._

 

*****

 

Sirius closed his eyes, feeling Remus slowly lay him down on the softest of sheets which only the Commanders were afforded. Their wives lived in comfort too but Sirius knew that no finer material existed than this. This must be what Heaven felt like.

The hands on his body were gentle, attempting to remove his clothes but not tearing them away. He wasn’t being held down and he knew that he could stand up and leave if he decided it wasn’t what he wanted, but he wouldn’t do that. He’d wanted Remus for a while now. If he kept his eyes closed for long enough then he could imagine them back in the time before. Perhaps the two of them would have crossed paths at university or at a party or just on the street. They’d have spoken and found out what they had in common, and friendship could have led to something more.

“Okay?” Remus’ whisper was so close that it tickled his ear.

Sirius nodded. “Yeah, everything’s fine. I want you.”

“I want you too,” Remus told him. “Wanted you for so long. I just didn’t think I’d be able to have you, not like this. When you first came here expecting to be raped… God, that would have killed me.”

Sirius remembered that. He’d been brought to the Lupin household after his placement with the Malfoys had ended, saddled with one failure to conceive on his record. This was his second chance. He’d been surprised upon entering the living room to find that the Commander and Wife of the house were a lot younger than most of the others he’d seen. The Aunt who had dropped him off informed him that Remus’ father, the previous Commander Lupin, had passed that mantle onto his son upon his death, so Sirius was serving a very important household.

They’d been on guard around him at first, clearly not sure what to make of him, not sure if he’d been brainwashed into becoming a true believer or if he was just as tortured as the rest of them. But then Lily had forgotten to knock before going into his room and had found him crying. He’d tried to hide it from her but she’d sat down with him and got him to talk. When she found out how alone he felt, she knew he wasn’t a threat, that he wouldn’t expose them.

Sirius had never had much of a family before. His mother and father weren’t particularly warm or open with their affection and after the death of his younger brother Regulus as a child he’d been stifled in that family alone. At university he’d made some friends, broken free of what his parents expected of him, and had had a series of relationships just so that he could feel, even if it was lust rather than love.

But Remus touched him in such a loving way. Sirius had been so long without the genuine kind touch of another person that just the gentle dancing of Remus’ fingers up his arm was enough to make his skin tingle.

When the offending red garments were discarded on the floor out of sight, Sirius reached up to help Remus remove his shirt, but was surprised when his wrists were seized.

“I don’t think you want to see that,” Remus murmured. “You won’t like it.”

Sirius frowned. “Won’t like what?”

Remus sighed. “I’ve got… scars. Back when I was ill all the time, I had to have some operations. It’s not a pretty sight.”

“I don’t care about that,” Sirius insisted. “I’d like to see you, all of you. But only if you want me to.”

There was a moment’s pause before Remus undid his tie and dropped it to the ground, loosening his collar and beginning to unbutton his shirt. Sirius propped himself up on his elbows. The room was cast mostly in darkness, the only light coming from the flickering candles beside the bed. But they were illuminated enough to see each other properly from their position on the bed, Remus’ gradually-exposed skin almost glowing in the candlelight.

Sirius observed his torso once it was fully exposed. There was one large scar across his chest and another along his lower abdomen. But he could find nothing repulsive about it. The scars simply meant that Remus had received medical help to save his life, so Sirius was thankful for them. He tentatively traced them, drawing his finger first across Remus’ chest and then across his abdomen. They were slightly raised but clearly old scars.

“You shouldn’t feel bad about having these,” he said. “They’re the reason you’re still here.”

Remus dipped his head, kissing Sirius’ shoulder. “I know that but people aren’t often too fond of ugly things.”

“There’s nothing ugly about life. Well, maybe this life. But not good life.”

“Tonight we can pretend, then. Forget that we’re here living this life and imagine ourselves in a better time.”

And that was what they did. Sirius kissed Remus’ scars, pressing his face against the warmth of the other man’s skin. Remus revelled in the soft touch that he had been denied for so long, melting into the embrace of another human being. The touch was sensual, hands working to remove the rest of his clothes, but Remus took comfort before all else.

He had some lotion which could be used as lube, not wanting to risk harming Sirius. He slicked up the fingers of his right hand, inserting one first.

Sirius winced a little as he’d gone untouched for several months and had grown used to the feeling of being empty.

“Sorry,” Remus said, glancing up.

Sirius waved him off. “It’s fine, you can keep going.”

“But you’ll tell me if you want to stop?”

“Yes but I don’t think I’ll need to.”

“As long as you know we’ll only do what you want to.” Remus’ eyes were earnest. “Your consent matters to me.”

Sirius, regardless of his naturally detached personality, was touched. “Thank you.”

Remus added a second finger and then a third when he was given the say-so, stretching Sirius out until he refused to take any more and begged to be properly fucked.

“I haven’t got any condoms,” Remus confessed.

“I know that,” Sirius replied. “They’re illegal now.”

“Yes but there’s still some around. They sell them on secret black markets but I’ve never bought any because I never needed them before. But now I wish I had.”

Sirius cupped Remus’ face in his hands and kissed his lips once. “There’s no guarantee that we’ll make a baby anyway. I never conceived with Malfoy.”

“Because Malfoy is more than likely infertile himself. There’s nothing wrong with your fertility, and I think I’m perfectly fertile too.”

“We can’t worry about that,” Sirius insisted. “If it happens then it happens and we can deal with it. Besides, it’ll look more suspicious if I don’t conceive in your household either. You know they’ll take me away and send me somewhere else if I don’t have your baby, and if it doesn’t happen then I’ll be dead. I’d rather a child have you for a father more than anyone else.”

Remus inhaled, closing his eyes. Then he nodded. “So long as you’re sure. Because if this takes then there’s no going back.”

“If it takes then that’s more time that I’ll get to spend here with you, creating something good for this world rather than all the other bad stuff that’s happening.”

So Remus slid inside and Sirius realised that this was the biggest difference compared to being with Malfoy. He was not held down by his neck with his face buried in the pillow, the thrusts were slow and gradually increasing in speed so that he was not at risk of bleeding or tearing. Where Malfoy’s touch was brutal and thoughtless, Remus’ was kind and considerate.

He found himself actually able to enjoy the feeling of being penetrated, something which hadn’t happened since he was attending university. He wrapped his arms around Remus’ shoulders, feeling the wiry muscles under his skin ripple with the movements of his thrusts. It felt like bliss.

When he could feel his own arousal gathering to reach its peak, Remus snaked a hand between their bodies and wrapped it around Sirius’ erection to bring them off together. Sirius had not touched himself since becoming a Handmaid either, too concerned with the fear that someone was always watching, waiting for him to step out of line and to whip him firmly back into place. He and those like him had been warned that the punishment for ‘wanting’ would be removal of their external sexual organs, an inhumane practise that Sirius was not prepared to become part of.

Remus’ hand felt good. While the backs of his hands had harder skin from the cold and the work he did, his palms were softer and warmer. His nails scratched down Remus’ back as the two of them reached an entwined high, light clouding their vision and transporting them away from the Earth and up amongst the stars.

When they came back down it wasn’t with a thump of coming back to reality because everything was still as it was, the two of them alone and together. They lay side by side, catching their breath, Remus’ arm splayed out. Sirius nudged under it, curling his body towards the other man’s, the sheets tangled about their legs.

Sirius delighted in taking pleasure in an illegal act. Homosexuality had been made illegal but Commanders having sex with male Handmaids during the monthly Ceremonies was allowed because having a baby was possible. But this, this act of selfishly seeking pleasure and giving it to a man who he felt he had come to love, made Sirius feel alive, and he wanted to do it all over again.

“You should spend more time in this room with me,” Remus said, turning his face to bury it in Sirius’ hair which had grown over his time as a Handmaid, with haircuts being forbidden.

“Well, I’ll look forward to that,” Sirius grinned up at him.

Remus rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “I meant so I could show you the night sky.”

“The night sky?”

“There’s a really clear view of it here, better than anywhere else in the house. Sometimes I come in here and I just sit by the window looking up at the moon.”

“Like a werewolf?” Sirius teased.

“Something like that.”

“Moony.”

“What?”

“Well you said you like the moon so…”

“You’re very creative,” Remus responded. “What about you?”

Sirius craned his neck up to make eye contact. “What about me?”

“Any nicknames?”

Sirius thought. “Not really. My brother used to call my Padfoot when we were kids but that was a long time ago.”

“Sounds like a name for a dog. Why Padfoot?”

“He said because I always used to sneak up on him. It meant that I always won our games.” His smile grew melancholy. “I miss Regulus.”

Remus’ arm around him tightened. “I’m sorry. That must have been nice, growing up with a brother. I never had any brothers or sisters.”

“He was a pain sometimes but it was nice to have some company in that house. Nice to know that Regulus was probably the only member of my family that didn’t hate me. But he’s probably better off being dead so that he’s not stuck here, working as a soldier or something. I think he’d like looking at the night sky too, though.”

Remus rolled onto his side to face Sirius. “Then that’s what we’ll do. You can come up here any time you like and we’ll sit and watch the stars and think about your brother.”

Sirius smiled one of his heartfelt smiles that had become all too rare since his world was turned upside down. “I’d like that.”


End file.
